Don't say an unkind word to help

A few years ago when I was living in the Bay Area, a friend of mine quit his job. His boss was a total jerk, I believe my friend referred to him as a "tool."

Like a fool, I told him what I thought of his boss. I told him that I never really liked him, his outlook on people or his professional opinions. He agreed, we got spun up and went home happy. He felt much better off.

The next day, his old boss called and apologized for being a jerk and offered to rehire him at a higher commission rate. My buddy was elated. He and his boss got thick. And they decided that I was a terrible person. My friend told his boss EVERYTHING I said, including the adjectives. His boss went "jedi" on him and convinced him that my opinions and my hopelessly romantic view of people was laughable. He used the phrase, "laughable." It worked.

My friend wrote me a nastygram. I freaked out that he would repeat what I said in confidence and you can imagine what that meant for our day to day friendship.

This happens to us over and over, doesn't it? We want to validate someone in a breakup, and we get drunk with conversation adrenaline and say some terrible things. When someone leaves the company, we kick their carcass around for months -- blaming them for everything that goes wrong. What if they come back? What if they become a customer or supplier? D'oh.

Most importantly, when your best friends gets a divorce...same advice my faithful readers: JUST SAY, "I'M SORRY."

Comments

[Dina]

Your so-called "friend" is just as guilty as you were if not more so. He should have understood that you were responding to his emotional needs at the time.

I hope you don't talk to this person (the would-be friend) because he sounds like he has no class. You can tell him I said that, too. :)

As if I didn't have to tell you - email should be avoided in situations like this. I learned the hard way.

[Jason Jacobsohn]

Yes, I have seen this happen in the dating world. I agree that it is better not to say anything negative about anyone because it may come back to you. This is especially true when trying to build new relationships in the business community. It is a small world so your negative comments may get you in trouble. Also, you don't want people to think that you are a negative person so it is better to stay postive as much as you can.

[Rob]

This is SO true. It has, unfortunately, happened to me a few times. People leave the company, I mention what I really think, they end up back at the company, I feel like a backbiting idiot.

Good advice!

[Hope]

The tameless tongue, full of all kinds of poison. We know it and it's the most difficult thing to control. Why do we seem to always have the need to be right and to defend. Silence IS golden.