July 07, 2011

Relationship Mistake: "You shouldn't feel that way!"

Empathy is a powerful relationship glue.  When you attempt to see things from another person's perspective, you validate his feelings, helping him feel like he's not alone in his suffering or joy. 

But, especially at work, we #fail to show Empathy when others are afraid or upset.  As managers, when the organizational change or new plan is revealed, we roll up our sleeves, prepared to tell all the fraidy cats or naysayers that "they should be afraid or upset."  

We tick off all the reasons they should accept and be happy (opposite emotions) about this change or new circumstance.  We attempt to extinguish other people's bad feelings like a fire in the wastepaper basket.  And then they slink off, feeling even worse for the wear.  After all, they didn't need to be convinced, they needed someone to listen. 

In his remarkable book, The 8th Habit, Dr. Stephen Covey Sr. explains that in many cases, people who are emotional distraught just want to be heard.  When they feel like they've been heard, the negative emotions usually evaporate.  But, again, that's not the conventional wisdom when faced with negative emotions in others.  Fix it, cancel it, talk the other person out of it - change the subject, anything but absorb it.  Men are the worst. 

To truly be empathetic, you need to be a powerless listener, making an earnest attempt to understand the pain from the other's point of view.

What's the right response?  When faced with negative emotions in others, learn how to say, "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I can only imagine how you must feel."  Those are good empathy vehicles.  Don't confuse empathy with sympathy (eg. "I know how you feel, I had that happen to me in the past too.")  While that might create a little community in misery via a reference point, you don't really know how he feels just because you've been in similar circumstances before.  

In this video clip (Powerless Listening/The Day Anthony Went Off To College), I talk about the power of empathy, and why we love our kids or our pets so much.  They treat feelings as facts - not opinions offered up by others for our repair or judgement.  

 

Posted at 8:29 AM in Business Effectiveness , Relationship Management  |  Permalink  |  Comments (0)  |  TrackBack (0)

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